Anyhow, today I have Tali Spencer visiting. She's here to talk abount her July 8th Dreamspinner release Thick as Thieves.
Let me tell you now, having been one of the beta's for this, it damn funny. :)
10 Nifty Uses for a Unicorn Horn
Thanks, Michelle, for having me stop by to talk about my new release, Thick as Thieves. The novel started out as a Wednesday Briefs weekly flash story… well, actually it started with a prompt. The prompt was unicorn, mandolin, some kind of plant. So in a sense the book started out with a unicorn, just not the whole unicorn. I decided to run with the horn.
First of all, unicorn horns are phallic symbols. Make no mistake, I have a thing for phalluses, symbolic and in the flesh. You can bet I had a lot of fun with Vorgell, the sex crazed barbarian. I put him through the wringer because, as chance would have it, he falls hard for a man who is perfectly capable of resisting an erection.
So if you enjoy magic, snarky male witches, and a barbarian who couldn’t resist a unicorn horn in the ass, you just might love Thick as Thieves. I include an excerpt below, right after this list of ten really good uses for a unicorn horn should you chance upon one:
~10. Towel Rack.
A unicorn horn’s swirly surface is decorative and because it is magic it stays nice and warm to keep your towels toasty.
~9. Swizzle Stick.
A swizzle stick made from unicorn horn turns any drink into an aphrodisiac. Or you can be truly devious and use unicorn horn toothpicks in your cherries.
A unicorn horn pointer is certain to grab the interest of your audience. Unicorn horns even glow in the dark!
~7. Holiday costume.
Everyone loves a unicorn. Go to a party wearing a unicorn horn and you not only have a hit costume, but an aphrodisiac on your head. And you can use the horn as a weapon should the need arise.
~6. Lightning Rod.
Little known fact: Unicorn horns attract electricity. If attached to a grounding kit, they make excellent lightning rods. Also a good reason not to wear a unicorn horn to a party.
~5. Fountain of Youth.
Even small amounts of powdered unicorn horn can slow aging. Vampires aren’t ageless. They just breed unicorns in secret.
~4. Desk Ornament.
Although frequently purloined by disrespectful guests, unicorn horn desk ornaments make a statement. The only reason we don’t see more of them: the other 9 reasons.
~3. Restore a Zombie to Life.
One of the lesser known qualities of unicorn horn is that they restore life to the undead. If you bury a unicorn horn into the chest of a zombie, the zombie becomes a living person again. This is not necessarily a good thing.
Unicorn horn begins to dissolve upon insertion into any orifice, providing natural—and magical—lubrication. The more you use it, the hornier you become. The downside: using a unicorn horn in this way might leave you permanently horny.
~1. Murder Weapon.
Because unicorn horns dissolve inside warm, living bodies (note that zombies, #3, are neither warm nor living), they make ideal murder weapons. Not only does the weapon itself disappear soon after causing fatal damage, but no one will really believe the weapon existed in the first place.
All kidding aside, though…
Thick as Thieves follows the adventure of Vorgell, a barbarian who kills a unicorn in the woods and puts the horn to use #2. Now he’s way deep in magic over his head—until he finds Madd. Madd’s in over his head too, but one thing Madd is good at is taking advantage of a situation….
I am giving away a free copy of Thick as Thieves in eBook or autographed paperback—whichever you choose—to one person who comments on this blog post before midnight on July 14th!
After Vorgell the barbarian fucks himself with a unicorn horn, he ends up in a cell with Maddog, a pretty young thief. It’s lust at first sight for Vorgell—but honestly, he can’t help it. Unicorn horn is a potent aphrodisiac, and now he can’t stop thinking about sex. Luckily, Madd is one male witch who knows how to put Vorgell’s new magical body to good use when he tricks Vorgell into a kiss that helps them escape.
Vorgell may desire sex in general—and Madd in particular—but Madd has no intention of being screwed by a man twice his size. He has problems of his own, including an enchanted collar that causes him to desire his most hated enemy. He wants that collar off as soon as possible, but that requires stealing a basilisk egg from the castle they just escaped.
Drawn together by lust and magic, the two men join forces and soon find themselves up to their necks in witches, wizards, and trouble. Vorgell and Madd might just be perfect for each other, but first they have to survive long enough to find out.
Madd frowned, his dark gaze traveling down Vorgell’s body and taking in his state of undress. “I guess we’ll have to find you some clothes.”
Vorgell liked that idea. “You could just hand me your cloak.”
“No!” Madd clutched the garment closed at the throat. “We’ll… find you something else.” He sighed. “You don’t get it, do you? We need to disappear. You consumed an entire unicorn horn, and—”
“And I’m horny all the time now. I know.” As if to confirm that point, Vorgell’s cock twitched and plumped at the sight of his companion. Even wrapped in shadows and with a water stain from the puddle on his ass, Madd was bewitching. Vorgell’s blood warmed just to look at him. “But I don’t see what that has to do with—”
“Are you really so gods-addled clueless? A mere sliver of unicorn horn makes a man horny for days. You consumed the entire horn! You filled your gargantuan body with so much fucking unicorn magic you’re now a walking, talking reservoir of enchantment! And you’re not a magician, are you? You’re like a toad sitting on gold coins! You can’t get rid of your pot of gold because you don’t know how to use it!”
Vorgell blinked at the little guy’s rage, struggling to see past the fact that Madd looked unbearably cute when he gestured and paced and sputtered. So cute Vorgell wanted to push him against the moldy wall and silence him with kisses while he pushed his cock against that delectable, lithe body. He fought to keep focus as his cock stiffened to full engorgement.
“I can do magic?”
Madd rolled his eyes. “No. You fucking are magic. Like a unicorn. Your blood, your bones, every living part of you, is filled with the shit.” He sighed. “Why the hell do you think I bit you in the tower, except to get at the magic? Or sucked your cock just now? Which, by the way,” he added, “I don’t plan on doing regularly.”
“But you’re good at it. And, well, I thought—” But then he realized he hadn’t been thinking for some days. It was time to start doing it. “So you are using me?”
Madd looked him in the eye. “Yes. And you’re fortunate in that. Because although I’m not a particularly good magician, I’m much more ethical than the baron or his like. Or any of the Wizards’ Guild. That lot would be bleeding you by now and amputating toes to suck on for a little extra spell power.”
Vorgell considered this. He distrusted magic users. He also knew a thing or two about unscrupulous men and could be one himself when the situation demanded. He hadn’t carried Madd away from their prison out of gratitude, but for purposes of ravishment. The latter still sounded like a good idea.
Tali Spencer fell in love with writing at an early age and never stopped. Thanks to a restless father, she grew up as a bit of a nomad and still loves to travel whenever she can. Her longest stint in one place was Milwaukee where she went to college and enjoyed a series of interesting careers including respiratory therapist, airport executive, and raising three surprisingly well-adjusted sons. She later married her true love and put down new roots in Philadelphia, where she lives in an ongoing Italian American family sitcom. At least she’s learned how make good pasta. When not writing, Tali reads everything from sweet goofy romances to Lebanese cookbooks, manages her fantasy football team—go Gekkos!—and takes long walks with her loving, if slightly neurotic, poodle.